I wrote this about an hour after I took the pregnancy test that confirmed our third pregnancy. It’s a bit waffly but it’s exactly how I felt at that moment. We’re a bit further along now mind, and are currently at the ‘will this nausea ever end’ stage, though I know it will. Soon, hopefully!
I leant against the bathroom radiator not really knowing how to feel. I became aware of my heart thudding in my chest and tried to focus my mind.
A thousand thoughts ran through my mind, none of them complete and all of them chattering away at once in my mind.
Two lines. Two. Not the one I had become so accustomed to seeing every time I thought my erratic period was late, but two. It’s funny really, because this week, more than any other week in the 4 years we’d been hoping for another baby, I had been coming round to the idea of being a family of 4 forever. Lord knows I have my work cut out for me as it is, how absurd it would be to have another addition to the household.
But now I stand and look at two pink lines on a pregnancy test and I’m as happy as the day I learned I was expecting your brothers. I’m thrilled.
Your dad is downstairs watching some rubbish on the telly and I almost rush down to show him the test.
But I don’t show him.
It occurs to me that I am the only person in the world with the knowledge of your impending arrival. Me and me alone. I’d like to have that just for a short while – I hope your dad doesn’t mind when I do tell him tomorrow.
Suddenly I’m overwhelmed with a fear that the test might be faulty. How reliable are these flimsy little things? What is the expiry date on it? I’ve had these tests in the cupboard for what feels like forever. I check and they’re in date by about 6 months. Google tells me there is a chance of a false positive reading and gives me a list of possible causes for one. I don’t think any of them are relevant to me, but I do another test just in case. All the other tests I’ve done in the past have clearly been negative but both of tonight’s show those two pink lines. One, the results window, isn’t nearly as dark as the control window but it’s there. It’s clearly visible.
The whole reason for me taking a test tonight was to rule pregnancy out. I’ve been a bit emotional lately, tired and aching, feeling generally unwell, and this heartburn is driving me mad. Before I consulted the pharmacist though I thought I’d save them the job of ruling out pregnancy.
But the test didn’t rule it out.
It ruled it in.
And our lives changed.
I can’t wait to meet you, my wonderful little surprise.